As far back as my memory goes,  I have been stifling and hiding my greatest fears in a dark, secret, black place. Muffled, kept back and away from me and my tender heart.They will consume me emotionally and spiritually if ever released from the cage I had locked them in to maintain the facade of personal safety that I require in order to carry on and forward. In the midst of the quiet, solitary and soul searching year I have spent since my brother died, I have opened that door and now understand those fears and how they have consumed my entire life and been the masters of all my choices. Ironically, or karmically,  or just because it’s all a fucking crapshoot in the end and no-one of us has any say in the roads we travel,  those twin demons  I thought I was controlling have actually had the wheel my entire life. Abandonment and loss have been the only constant companions I have ever known. There is no longer any need to fear them. They are my reality, have always been with me and always will be so I no longer need to be afraid or held hostage by them.
Welcome home.

One thought on “Realizations

  1. calensariel November 27, 2015 / 5:37 am

    You know, I came to a very similar realization this fall. And like you it somehow made it easier to let things go. I get it.

    Liked by 1 person

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