I have been working so incredibly hard on myself to make the changes that have been long overdue in my life. For years, there was always someone else who needed my time and effort and love and caring ( and most of my money!)
I came by this naturally, having grown up in a dysfunctional home, and being the classic enabler. But I also selfishly took pride in always being the voice of reason, or the soft shoulder to cry on or the “go-to” in my family circle. I was the solid one, the responsible one and the one who was least liable to judge you for your sins, vices, or even criminal behaviour.
All I needed was the crown of thorns and some hardware for the cross, and I would have been picture perfect.
I have never lived alone in my entire life until this past year. My oldest son moved out last year for the third or fourth time, and seems to be doing very well on his own and eating and requiring little from me in the way of support. This does my heart good, because I was worried I had permanently ruined him with my enabling selflessness and need to “fix him”. What would happen to him if I died? A friend pointed that out to me..how he would be a helpless starving mess. Unable to work out his budget and know enough that it was time to pay his cell phone bill or his student loans.
With him gone, this has left me with weird Sundays. For years and years and years, Sundays were family day. Nice roast beef supper days. The only day of the week where all of us came together from our different lives and schedules. I could always be counted on to have something in the oven and enough left over for sandwiches for work/school lunches for the next week.
The first month or two of Sundays were very hard for me emotionally. I was so used to having someone here that I honestly cried from a weird feeling of being lost and not sure what I was supposed to be doing.
Then one Sunday, I decided I should get up and out and just go do something for me. Imagine that. For me. I am a wee bit ashamed to admit that I spent most of the day at a casino brimming with people and noise, as it is somewhere you can go alone, but not feel alone and just fit in. Plus, I am a lucky Sagittarius and love the slots!
The next Sunday, I rearranged all my kitchen cupboards and cleaned a closet out.
The next one, I stayed in my pyjamas, ordered in Vietnamese and binged on Bloodline on Netflix. I can honestly 100% tell you that it felt strange to have the remote in my hand for the whole day and to watch what I would like to be watching, rather than have the program changed every time I got up to pee or get a glass of water for myself!
Today, I took a little table-top Christmas tree that was my Mom’s over to my son’s apartment, as well as some home made turkey soup and his mail. I had the most delightful lazy visit with him and his room mate while we drank creamy sweet cups of coffee and I curled up snugly in their oversized chair. They were so happy I came and it was so nice to visit my son in his own space. I treasure our adult relationship so much. I feel so happy that they see me as an interesting person to spend time with and respect me as an equal, rather than as a mother who is to be put up with.
The holiday season is hard for me. I have lost so many loved ones and others have moved on, that I have secretly just endured it for the boys’ sake for a few years now. I actually put my tree up and decorated yesterday. I will be making my killer nuts and bolts next Saturday that I give out over the holidays to family and work pallies.
My son invited me to be his date at his Xmas party next weekend, which really makes me happy. He doesn’t know he is receiving a special award for exceptional work he has done with one of his young clients. So, what a hoot that he wants me there with him, unaware he will be honoured. When he asked me if I would like to go, I was so shocked as this son sees many girls right now, and is smack dab in his wild oats phase of life. He could have taken anyone but me, but wants me to go with him. For us to spend time together at a nice location, and a lovely extravagant meal.
How lucky am I?
I am going to be fifty one years old in a couple of weeks and I can do whatever I want, when I want, with who I want.
For the first time in a long long time, I believe I am going to be OK.
I am opening myself up for something wonderful to happen.