I can feel it deeply within me that this is going to be my year of discovery and healing.
I have spent the last six days doing absolutely nothing but reading, sleeping, watching documentaries on Netflix, and eating.
I have not felt guilty once for my lack of movement and I won’t.
I began seeing a therapist in December, who I will only see for three more sessions as that is all I am covered for, but thought it would be prudent for me to attend, as it is something necessary in order to look to be compliant with my primary care physician, who I adore. I know he is looking out for me and wants me to have all my i’s dotted and t’s crossed if need be.
I am seriously considering taking a few months away from work on a leave in order to feel even better than I do today. I have seen what a week away has done for my soul and spirit and have made the decision that I am worth this time for myself. Regardless of the stigma attached to taking “medical leave”, “stress leave”, “mental health” leave, and without a care in the world for the side-eyes I would be in receipt of once I returned (OR NOT!!!) to work, I think I am going to do it.
This brings back a memory to me of a close friend of my Mom’s always saying ” I’m going to have my nervous breakdown next week, as too many things came up this week that required my attention!”
She used to giggle, my mother would roll her eyes at me, and then later tell me that Aunt Anita really WAS quite crazy, but kept herself so busy, she never gave in to the breakdown or shut up long enough to realize that it was actually already occurring. She was apparently the only one not aware of that fact in her circle.
I watched my Mother’s spirit slowly die inside her from her sense of responsibility to everyone but herself. By the time she was financially able to stop and feel and breathe, her sense of wonder in the world had slowly leaked out of her.
I won’t let that happen to me. What I have come to realise, is that I need to look at myself with the same compassion and empathy and understanding as I do others in my life.
If I saw anyone struggling the way I have struggled in the last few years, I would have implored that they “take some time”. I would have offered to help them in any way I could. I would have grabbed their purse and CARRIED them, if they felt half of what I have felt.
I refuse to feel ashamed for needing this time and will be reminding myself of that daily.
I will be covered financially with full pay for four months and then longer, if I should decide that is best.
I want to feel like this for longer and have the means to do that.
I am ready.