My Voice

13b8152965a386a3bd1b3c3f9fc765d6The Sandbox Writing Challenge 22 — Setting free the captive parts… – http://wp.me/p5bWLb-1Du

It has taken me many years and many tears and also too too many sleepless nights to grant myself forgiveness.

Forgiveness for the child I was and the youthful decisions which altered what I believe my path was supposed to be.

I have recently been told that I forgive those who have hurt me far too easily, and have allowed grievous transgressions against me without lifting so much as a finger to defend myself.

Something very vital was broken in me at a young age. I was at some point led to believe that my needs were insignificant. That it was selfish to need when i was clearly from outward appearances the healthiest one under the roof.

That to insist I be considered. ..seen….heard..understood….was to cause a ripple or rending in the fabric of our family.

It was never voiced but certainly implied that everything was always dangerously close to falling to pieces and the least resistance coming from me would allow the balancing act to continue.

There were other far more damaged souls that needed tending to, and the best thing I could do in the name of harmony was

To bend.
To blend.
To take less.
To give more.
To forget myself.
To forgive them more.

I need to forgive that child who had no voice and no choice in where her little soul landed on this earth.

I need to allow myself to forgive her for choices which were made and alliances she formed in order to thrive and more importantly, survive.

I have spent more than half my life holding back forgiving a small, vulnerable child who had absolutely no voice in how she was treated by those who were responsible for keeping her safe.

It’s time.

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7 thoughts on “My Voice”

  1. I’m curious? Were you a middle child? Had brothers/sisters some older and some younger? You mentioned forgiving to easily. Do you have a chart or a meter for forgiveness? I have found that I either forgive a wrong or I don’t and when I don’t guess who suffers? I do! 9 time out of 10 the one who did the damage doesn’t give a hoot anyway.
    Your words to bend, to take less, give more, forget yourself etc. Imagine if you will how much better this world would be if we all lived by that mantra. If my number one concern is you or my fellow man before myself or as one wise teacher once said “Love thy neighbor as thyself” would we not all be better off? Letting go of the past is a must because the baggage of the past only gets heavier and you are on the right track but don’t let the track change the obviously sweet, kind and caring person you are. Don’t stop bending and blending, don’t stop taking less and giving more because believe it or not it’s true what Sir Francis of Assisi said ” It is in giving that we receive, In forgiving we are forgiven and in understanding we are understood.”

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  2. Shannon, this piece resonates so deeply with me. You can have NO idea how much so. the least resistance coming from me would allow the balancing act to continue. I’ve been there often. But the weird thing is, it wasn’t in my family of origin, it didn’t happen till I was married. I was just a normal, sometimes rebellious kid growing up. Still trying to figure out the delayed reaction. I would ask you one question. Why do you feel that you need to forgive that part of you who is that little girl? Was she just not doing what she had to to survive? Perhaps what you only need to step up and defend her and love the beejeebers our of her? This was a really great post.

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  3. “forgive that child who had no voice and no choice” Ahhh! Forgiveness of self -that is more difficult to do than to forgive others because maybe in some ways you are still that child, though no longer an innocent. Powerful stuff, safe journey on your path! Hello! to a fellow path walker.

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