I finally get the deal with quinoa. It just slowly saps away your will to live, effectively becoming one of the best forms of population control the world has ever seen.
A GLOBAL conspiracy if I ever saw one.
Thirty years ago, I would have been just heading to bed after my Friday night of revelry.
Today, I am eyeballing the enormous left over stash of quinoa in my fridge and attempting to do my best to not have to throw it out.
Quinoa loose “meat”
It smells like I am trying to repel vampires in my house at this moment. So much garlic..soooo much garlic.
Just to trick my brain into thinking it’s ground meat.
I have given up bread. I have given up pasta. I have virtually eliminated sugar from my diet.
I eat so many blueberries, I was reduced to googling green poo a week ago, and then making sure to delete my search history in the event I deceased and one of my kids went through my phone.
I have deduced that the only reason people lose weight eating clean is because they spend most of the day on their fucking feet chopping vegetables.
I am forced to admit that I feel better physically. I have lost twenty pounds in two months cutting out the wheat, sugar and most carbs.
I have increased energy, which is a great thing, being as all I do anymore is stand and chop vegetables for hours!
I google probiotics, iron-rich foods, and goddamned quinoa recipes in my spare time now. Time that used to be spent on YouTube watching bulldogs riding skateboards and old Aerosmith videos.
I plan my outings around if they have a Jugo Juice within ten kilometers of my destination.
I see Carl’s Jr commercials now and right out loud to the tv say ” oh get that into you now, you silly twats, cus in twenty more years, it’s all gonna come crashing down, and you are going to be gagging back vitamins the size of that bikini bottom, and chopping veggies until you have forearms that rival Popeye’s!”
I also can’t wrap my head around how the girl I once was could munch on wild berries and mushrooms ( yes, yes THOSE!) and swim in murky rivers and creeks and consume all manner of illicit substances, but now needs to stand in the drugstore for FORTY-FIVE minutes debating which $ 4000.00(I kid) probiotics supplement she should purchase!
I was the generation who drank out of rust-laden garden hoses and had a dirt sandwich for lunch!
Now I need to worry about how much “good” bacteria is floating around in my tummy?
That’s gonna be an issue for me. I’m the girl who when asked by the obstetricians when my last period was, responded ” Am I supposed to be like writing this stuff down?”
So, that’s my new existence, in a nutshell.
I have to run – I smell the quinoa meatloaf burning.