I finally get the deal with quinoa. It just slowly saps away your will to live, effectively becoming one of the best forms of population control the world has ever seen.
A GLOBAL conspiracy if I ever saw one.
Thirty years ago, I would have been just heading to bed after my Friday night of revelry.
Today, I am eyeballing the enormous left over stash of quinoa in my fridge and attempting to do my best to not have to throw it out.
Quinoa meatballs
Quinoa patties
Quinoa loose “meat”
It smells like I am trying to repel vampires in my house at this moment. So much garlic..soooo much garlic.
Just to trick my brain into thinking it’s ground meat.
I have given up bread. I have given up pasta. I have virtually eliminated sugar from my diet.
I eat so many blueberries, I was reduced to googling green poo a week ago, and then making sure to delete my search history in the event I deceased and one of my kids went through my phone.
I have deduced that the only reason people lose weight eating clean is because they spend most of the day on their fucking feet chopping vegetables.
I am forced to admit that I feel better physically. I have lost twenty pounds in two months cutting out the wheat, sugar and most carbs.
I have increased energy, which is a great thing, being as all I do anymore is stand and chop vegetables for hours!
I google probiotics, iron-rich foods, and goddamned quinoa recipes in my spare time now. Time that used to be spent on YouTube watching bulldogs riding skateboards and old Aerosmith videos.
I plan my outings around if they have a Jugo Juice within ten kilometers of my destination.
I see Carl’s Jr commercials now and right out loud to the tv say ” oh get that into you now, you silly twats, cus in twenty more years, it’s all gonna come crashing down, and you are going to be gagging back vitamins the size of that bikini bottom, and chopping veggies until you have forearms that rival Popeye’s!”
I also can’t wrap my head around how the girl I once was could munch on wild berries and mushrooms ( yes, yes THOSE!) and swim in murky rivers and creeks and consume all manner of illicit substances, but now needs to stand in the drugstore for FORTY-FIVE minutes debating which $ 4000.00(I kid) probiotics supplement she should purchase!
I was the generation who drank out of rust-laden garden hoses and had a dirt sandwich for lunch!
Now I need to worry about how much “good” bacteria is floating around in my tummy?
That’s gonna be an issue for me. I’m the girl who when asked by the obstetricians when my last period was, responded ” Am I supposed to be like writing this stuff down?”
So, that’s my new existence, in a nutshell.
I have to run – I smell the quinoa meatloaf burning.
Survival Skills 
OML!!! LMBO!!! chopping veggies until you have forearms that rival Popeye’s!” I choked! I kid you not.
LikeLiked by 3 people
^^^that’s the part that got me as well. Such a lighthearted change from some of your other posts but equally enjoyable. I laughed out loud at the image of you in the store for nearly an hour debating probiotics. I sometimes find myself in denial that my grandfather is getting older especially since he constantly tries to engage us in “the death” discussion all the time. When I visited this summer he told me that he doesn’t buy pants with buttons anymore. Confused, I asked him why. He responded, “I’m not no young man anymore. When you gotta urinate, you gotta urinate.” For some reason it was the silliest, most ridiculous way to come to terms with what aging means and looks like. Western culture still hasn’t quite figured out how to embrace it because well…I guess they haven’t figured out how to make it profitable. I say this all to say, I can only imagine what it must be like for someone like you (of my parents generation) to look back on life and look forward to the rest of the time you have left. Oh and by the way, I drank out of a rusty garden hose as well. I honestly didn’t know until a month ago that we weren’t supposed to do that. I guess you are also supposed to let the water run for awhile if you want to drink from it just to make sure there aren’t any heavy metals floating around. Well, I’m still alive and your generation raised me so haha.
LikeLiked by 2 people
This is what I love about this community! All of us, different ages, different generations, but so much to learn about each other and life in general. I’m glad I wrote this piece in the the spur of the moment and happy it made you laugh and think of your Grampa. 😁
LikeLike
“I finally get the deal with quinoa. It just slowly saps away your will to live, effectively becoming one of the best forms of population control the world has ever seen.” haaaaaaaaa-haaaaaaa-haaaaaaa-haaaaa. Thank you. I really needed that.
LikeLiked by 1 person