Calen asked us this week to write about what relaxes us and what brings us pleasure.
The mingling of the words relaxation and pleasure together immediately made me think of music, which has always been a part of me for my entire life, like a my limbs or an essential organ.
I have never lived a day without music of some sort, playing somewhere…either outside or inside of me.
I can completely zone out to time and space with the right song playing, and that has been such an incredible blessing to me so many times in my life.
For a period of time following the deaths of loved ones, I tried to turn the external music off, as I found it made me too emotional and I lacked the control to keep that emotionalism at bay. I needed to work and live and coexist in environments where people might react if I suddenly started snotting and wailing it up in public.
(Pro-Tip: Crying children get sympathy – crying menopausal women get straightjackets or Prozac.)
There was also the tiniest part of me that felt there must be silence in my life, so that I could properly grieve in an appropriate, somber manner- giving that sacred time the silence and my undivided attention. Eliminating something that gave me pleasure, as there should be no pleasure while grieving.
So off went the radios for a few months.
But then a strange thing happened- my internal music never stopped on command.
I had no control over the music playing in my head or heart, and if there was no external music playing, the melodies continued playing inside me. I would hear a snippet of a conversation and my brain would automatically find the most appropriate song lyric I knew and I would be mumbling it to myself or would suddenly hear the melody playing in my head. I would have those ear worms for hours at a time, almost like it was a punishment for not allowing the presence of music into a life that so craved it.
So, music is my relaxation and my pleasure but also my pain and sometimes a burden to bear.
Even when tears are falling down my face from the memories the music extracts frome me, at the same time it provides such cathartic outcomes, that I cannot deny myself the pleasure of it.