I have been feeling a little vulnerable lately and not even well enough to tap away at the keys.
Today I decided it might be good to wander about on Word Press for a bit and the first place I always wander is to Calen’s.
Her Sandbox Challenge this week was this:
What message just for you is hidden in this ancient writing?
My first thought upon looking at the image was how remarkably similar it was to my heels. Then the thought popped up that I have been meaning to book a pedicure for the last month or so but that real life has intruded on even that one hour of peace and comfort I could have provided for myself. I really could have booked that appointment- had the number on my cell and would be basically two taps with my finger directly to the shop.
But I have been so tired. SOOO incredibly tired and low energy. Useless.
I have completed the tasks that need doing, like working and taking care of my cat, but other than that, I have basically sleepwalked through the last few weeks.
I know what started it.
It was seeing the news that humans have now sunk to the low of caging children.
I like to think I am pretty cynical and jaded, and I truly told myself that there was no possible way he would be allowed to sink this low, without someone…ANYONE…stopping him and his need to feed his fractured ego with evil-doing.
But, as has happened many times in the past- I was wrong.
I read, I watched, I listened to audio and then I shut down. I just could not take anymore.
And my feet and the rest of me suffered for it and continue to suffer.
I have some sort of strange rash appearing on my back, which I think is atopic eczema. The irony of this affliction is that the worst thing for the little dry patches is water.
Dry, itchy, aggravating. Especially when I cant reach it except with the spaghetti scoop which comes to bed with me every night.
My feet and my back and my soul all make me feel dry and itchy and aggravated and out of sorts.
Barren and empty, like desert flowers begging for any sort of nourishment to make the cracks disappear and replenish the cells with the fluid of life.
I need to know that I am not the only one feeling the cracks and caverns and schisms occurring right now in the world.
Am I the only one who sees fire and burning and hears children crying for their parents?
I don’t take good care of myself when I don’t feel well emotionally.
I really let myself go.
I am not sure why that is.
Is it the effort and energy required from an exhausted woman or is it disinterest or the knowledge that one day this husk that carries the me that matters will not longer require tending?
What any logical woman would do would be to book that appointment for the next few days and even add a manicure to the appointment, as there is no better feeling than having both sets of nails done and pretty.
But it seems so pointless to me right now.
I instinctively know that my looks are not going to matter in the next while for the work that may need to be done and what my part in it may be.
I’ve let my hair grow long and rarely wear it down unless I am brushing it, which I do often. Brushing my hair soothes me and my spirit, for some reason. My hair is drying out too, and I have stopped colouring it. It is pure white like my mother’s in the front- beautiful white. I frequently braid it, to keep it off my face and out of my way. Then I unbraid it, while reading tweets about monsters and the people who lie and abet them with their evil.
I don’t speak of the terrors I feel often, as I can tell people are sick and tired of all things political and don’t want to hear it. Those people would rather sit back and then moan and wring their hands once it is all over. I know those people. There were so many of them during the Holocaust.
So, so many.
My hypervigilance is a symptom of my PTSD. I know that. But I also know I am not crazy and I can feel the danger.
I can even taste it some days. It tastes like metal or copper. A bit like blood, in fact.
I am doing what I can in order to soothe the trauma-beast within me in whatever way I can to keep it from becoming more hungry.
I might drive out to the mountains this weekend and spend a day sitting on a log thinking of nothing but the scent of the air around me.
It is supposed to rain.
I can tilt my head back and open my mouth and let it in.
I can wiggle my feet while the rain falls over them.
Maybe it will fill up the cracks and heal them.
Maybe I will breathe deeply again.